he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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