so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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