Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
