I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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