In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
