chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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