I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
