I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
