I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
