I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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