I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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