she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
