just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
