he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
