Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
