Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
