Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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