i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
