Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
where are my eyebrows?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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