oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
