Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
