Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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