I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
