Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
