My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
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