i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
