I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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