I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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