Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
