A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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