I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
