god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
