Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
