Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
