I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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