need another drink. this is the easiest way
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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