the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
