you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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