new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
