okay pat passed out under dana's car
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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