i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
