while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
