Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Randomize
