dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
