Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Blood and glitter go together right?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
