Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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