i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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