apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
