why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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