You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
