just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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